love...

So, I haven't been able to shake this sadness. In fact, it seems to be getting worse... but God has been leading me through it - that's what is so great about him - he allows you to feel these emotions, but won't let you just stew in them. He'll draw you out and speak to you in a way that breaks your heart just a little bit more, but if you keep working through it, that is where you will find healing. I know it sounds so strange, but it's real. God is real. I think I've been doubting that lately. It all stems from looking at the actions and attitudes of the "American" church - how we have failed to love and failed to stand up for what is truly on the heart of God - those who are broken, who are suffering, who are destitute... the thousands dying in Africa every day because they live without the basic medicines we have available at our fingertips... those who are being beaten and raped and murdered in a very real genocide in Northern Africa... those who are living in the crowded mud rooms in refugee camps, because their countries are war-torn. In scripture, the poor is mentioned over 2,100 times (thanks to Bono for pointing that out)... the poor is on the heart of God. But it isn't on our hearts here in America. It isn't on my heart as much as I would like it to be. I'm selfish. We all have been selfish. There was a reason that Jesus said the of money is at the root of all evil. Too often I love money more than I love God or the people around me.

Anyway, this is not the intention of this post. I know God is real. I've seen him work in my life more times than I can count and in such profound ways. He's been working lately. Bringing up insecurities and fears that are connected with this sadness. The big one was yesterday as I was reading through the book TrueFaced. It talks about one of the gifts of grace being love... that if we are unable to see that this is a basic need we all have and if we are unable to humble ourselves enough to receive it then we can never truly give it and we can never really experience true grace. A chord was struck in me... not only do we have to acknowledge that we need love, but we also have to confess that we desire love. That is hard for me. Not hard to say I desire God's love, but hard to admit that I desire a man's love. Somehow, in our society, we have come to think that women who truly desire a man's love is weak. Tyler, in a response to my post a few days ago, asked what dreams I felt were crumbling. Honestly, it's this dream - this dream to have someone who loves me, who finds me completely inspiring, who can't live without me. To have someone to attempt to change the world with - to challenge me and spur me on and to travel this great adventure called life with. I feel like it may never happen. So, to admit that I desire it is devastating, because that desire may never be fulfilled. I desperately want to say strongly that I don't need anyone! I can make an impact on my own! God can still use me! Admitting this is not easy for me. I know, I know... everyone tells me to just be patient, to wait on the Lord, to be content with where I am... those things have never been easy for me, and I know they are true, but I'm just trying to be real with what I'm feeling concerning this.

I look at my heart and the way it tries to fulfill this dream - looking for love in all the wrong places it seems. Just once, I wish I was finally at the right place. But I don't trust myself enough to recognize it. The ultimate question - do I stop looking and wait for it to smack me in the face, or do I need to do something to find it? Maybe I just need to learn to trust more. But what does that look like?