exhausted...

Yesterday was quite possibly the longest, hardest day I have ever experienced.

My grandfather's funeral was really nice. He looked really good - probably the best he's looked in a long time. I think that made everyone, especially my dad, feel better. My uncle shared funny stories about him, and reminded us all of what an amazing man he was. I think my grandpa would have been pleased with how it turned out.

Last night at CSF we mourned the loss of our sister in Christ, Brianna. It was hard - I hadn't really had a chance to think about/mourn her loss since I was/am in the middle of mourning the loss of my grandfather. It was good to let the grief come instead of welling it up inside. It was good to be there amidst our community of believers. I think Brianna's death will bring a strength to our group that wasn't there before. She was an amazing girl, even though most of us only knew her for a few months. We will miss her greatly.

So, this morning I woke up and could barely move. It is amazing how draining and physically taxing that much emotion can be on a person. So, I spent the day at home just trying to recouperate. And it's snowing again, and is very beautiful. I took Emma for a walk in it just to enjoy the way it falls so silently and makes everything look new again. Then tonight I watched a great episode of Lost... frustrating but soooo good. My two questions: who will Kate choose, and where the heck is Walt???

more bad news...

One of the freshmen in our ministry, Brianna Reed, died in a car accident early this morning trying to drive back to UNL for classes. Please pray for her parents - Brian and Faye - as Brian is stationed in Iraq as a military chaplain. He is trying to get back, but it may take a week. Pray for them as they deal with this loss, and for us as we mourn the loss of our friend.

In Memory

Robert "Pete" Petersen

My grandpa passed away on Friday evening. He'd been sick for very long time, and I'm glad he's out of pain now. But I will miss him. He was so strong. He was a rock in my life - always consistant, always there. Here are a few things that I loved about him:

He adored my grandmother. There were married for over 50 years before she passed away in 1996. On their 50th wedding anniversary, when they were posing for a picture with my grandpa's arm around her shoulder, my grandpa reached his arm around further to try to grab my grandma's you-know-what! My grandma yelled and slapped his hand away while my grandpa just grinned. I remember hearing them bicker back and forth at the dinner table, but it was really just a game with them. I hope I have a relationship with my husband like theirs.

He was a smooth talker. He loved to flirt with the ladies. My grandma just shook her head at him. Even in the last three years when he'd been in the nursing home, he flirted with each and every one of the nurses. I think he just liked to make them smile and feel special.

He loved to golf, and each of his kids grew up golfing (my uncle Rob is a pro golfer who works at a golf course in Missouri) and in turn both of my brothers grew up golfing (I never took it up - too frustrating for me, but I love watching them and walking with them on the courses). Once, he made a hole-in-one at the golf course in Clay Center, NE and made it into the paper. He told them that people might have thought he lied about it... if he didn't happen to be golfing with the sheriff!

He had a major presence around him. He might have been fairly soft spoken, but he laughed loudly, sneezed really loudly, and snored even louder.

He loved his kids and grandkids and greatgrandkids dearly. I remember watching him during my uncle's wedding two years ago. He was the best man, and afterward as we were standing around waiting to go to the reception and there he was, in his wheelchair with tears streaming down his face. I think he was just so happy to still be around to see Rob get married.

He absolutely loved the Nebraska Cornhuskers. I remember watching games with him where he would yell so loudly and jump up so quickly that he'd hit his head on the ceiling (they weren't that tall, but he also was a big guy). In fact, on Friday, he and my dad were watching the Colorado game. They watched through the entire thing and all of the post-game commentary, and when that was through, he had a heart attack. I'm so glad that he got to see the last regular season game of the year. Pretty typical of my grandpa.

I'll miss you.

creation

I've been thinking a bit about the evolution vs. creation vs. intelligent design debate. I'm sitting here reading The Alchemist and it was talking about a grain of sand containing the happiness found in God because a grain of sand is a moment of creation... and I was thinking about how God operates - how different it is from us. I have trouble believing that God created the whole world in just 7 days- at least in the way that we think of 24 hours of time. It's possible, yes, that God basically started pointing and zapping things into being - that could be done easily by God in that short amount of time. But what I know of God through my own desire and hunger to create things - I want to enjoy the process of creating - to get lost in a painting I am creating or enjoy the work my hands have to do while knitting something. And I think of the joy I feel when I create something. Then I think about the utter joy God had in creating me - I can imagine him laughing a deep, gutteral laugh as He formed my body - with a beaming smile on His face... and I think that maybe God would have wanted to take His time creating what we see around us - to put time and effort into it because it was and is close to His heart. When I care deeply about something, I want to take my time with it - to make it exactly how I imagine it. So, perhaps we need to stop thinking about the Word in terms of our own understanding, and instead look to the One who gave the Word to us and learn instead how to understand the depth of who He is - His character, His love, His grace. Maybe then we will get closer to understanding the details.

a few touchy issues

The debate has started: Is the "Harry Potter" series by JK Rowling pure evil or just great literature that gets kids to read a 900+ page book? With the premiere of "The Goblet of Fire" in the theatres today comes this "moral" dilemma. Here's an article from Relevant that took a different stance on it. Check it out - cast your votes. Mine? I L-O-V-E these books and am going to happily see the movie on Sunday night. But, decide for yourselves.

Here is an article from the Daily Nebraskan that I thought was really good - really really frustrating and convicting for me, but good. How do I, as a follower of Jesus, battle the trap that our society puts on us? How do I become more selfless with my money and how do I battle the often overwhelming desire for more "stuff"?

that p word

here's someone's (a guy named Tony Jones to be exact) description of what "unceasing prayer" is:

At school, before you eat, while you drive, in the locker room, at home, eyes open, eyes shut, before an exam, through the woods, feeding the dog, on the deck, talking to class, in the morning, before you sleep, wondering about the world, after the fight, looking for an answer, because you care, because you don't care, flying across the ocean, on your knees, to erase or to remember, when you're happy, when you're scared, when no one else hears, using ancient ideas or new ones, singing or screaming, writing a letter, in a journal, at the interview, with or without something to say, to get real, on the date, sacred or irreverent, help! help! help!, loud or soft, at work, floating or sinking, after you fail, after you succeed, hands folded or raised to the sky, with a friend, with your dad, for your friends, for your family, during the game, at the meet, to find Jesus, on the mountaintop, in the valley, when you feel alive, when you feel half-dead, under attack, to reorganize, at the concert, for composure, to praise, to worship, to just listen, wherever, whenever, however...

basically silent awareness of God that threads through your day - even in the most mundane times... a fluid, seamless life with God - this is His hope for you.

first snow

It's snowing! I absolutely love it! I wish it would snow all the time in Nebraska, but we live in a land that is all too often bitterly cold with nothing to show for it. But I am relishing the fact that there are fluffy white flakes falling outside my window, and though I know it isn't cold enough for it to stick, I can hope that there is more where this came from. Snow makes everything look softer and prettier - it is magical and romantic and beautiful. I'm so glad winter is here.

I heart Willy Wonka/Johnny Depp

I love how wierd and strange Johnny Depp is in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He is just so funny - like a little kid who is grown up but hasn't had a lot of social interactions so he's a bit off... it's fantastic! I've been watching bits of it before I fall asleep... here are a few of my favorite quotes:

Willy Wonka: "Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello!"

Mike Teavee: "Who wants a beard?"
Willy Wonka: "Well, beatniks for one, folk singers and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!"

Willy Wonka: "Everything in this room is *eat*able. Even I'm *eat*able. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

Willy Wonka: "The best kind of prize is a *sur*prise!"

Willy Wonka [to Mike Teavee]: "Uh, you really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying."

Willy Wonka [to Mike Teavee]: "Once again, you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's really starting to bum me out!"

Willy Wonka [to Mike Teavee]: "Mumbler! Seriously, I cannot understand a word you're saying!"

bookstores are dangerous things

I should not be allowed to enter a bookstore. There is a reason I don't spend a lot of time in them. It is too dangerous for me. Tonight I went to Barnes & Noble in search of the current issue of Relevant Magazine (though I gave them my new address, they must not have changed it because I have not received it in the mail despite my subscription - I'm calling up Cameron Strang and yelling at him tomorrow - just kidding Cameron!)... and left with the magazine and two books. Dang it! I didn't mean to - I swear! I just love books. I love reading them. I love the way they feel. The way they smell. The weight of them in my hands, the sound of the pages being turned. I have always loved books - growing up people would comment on how they would never see me without my nose in a book. Same today, I guess. I took a break during my stint in college simply because there wasn't time.

And now, I am settling down to a weekend with the apartment to myself. I plan on lighting some candles, brewing some coffee, and snuggling under a blanket with my new reads. Perhaps one of these days I will actually get a life.

If you're curious, here are the books I got:

The Jane Austen Book Club | Karen Joy Fowler - because my mind has been on Austen lately with the new Pride and Prejudice movie coming out soon. I heart Jane Austen.

The Alchemist | Paulo Coelho - on the recommendation of my friend Jill. She once read a bit of it aloud in our small group, and I fell in love but haven't had a chance to grab it and read it in its entirety.

Reviews coming soon...

dogs need discipline... people do too

I have the coolest dog in the world. Seriously - THE coolest. You can attempt to dispute me on this, but then you'll meet her and agree with me that she is THE coolest dog ever. Pete tried to argue with me. Then he fell in love with her. Didn't you, Pete?

Well, its my day off, and I realized it was high time for Emma to get her nails clipped and to get a bath - cause she smelled like a dog and I'm not pleased with that. So, I thought I'd do the nail clipping first cause she absolutely hates that, then take her to the dog park to make it up to her, the give her a bath since she'll have gotten nasty from running through the creek at the park. I thought that even though I'd be "torturing" her most of the day, that the dog park would make up for it.

Well... not so today. For at the dog park was a German Shepherd puppy... now when you hear the term "puppy" you think a cute little thing that is very, very sweet. Not so with this one. He was massive - towered over Emma (and Emma is a fair sized dog). And this puppy did not know when to quit. Of course he was playful and ran around with Emma, but he did not understand the concept of not jumping on another dog and not biting another dog. Poor Emma was getting it all full force. All of a sudden as they were "playing" I hear some barking and snarling. What the heck? Was that Emma? Now, you have to understand that I can count on two hands the amount of times I have heard Emma bark since I've had her - and I've had her for over a year. She just doesnt' bark... unless she is alone and sees a squirrel or rabbit. So, naturally I didn't recognize it that she was the one barking and snarling at this oaf of a dog. But the puppy would not lay up.

Where was the owner of this puppy, you ask? Sitting on the picnic bench with me... laughing! Hello! You're dog is attacking my dog - and you laugh? He mumbled something about the puppy being over rambunctious... well of course he is because you don't discipline him! Not once did he yell at his dog. I scolded Emma several times - though I felt really bad about it because it's not her fault this dog won't get a clue. But I had to do something. Even when we tried to leave the vicinity, the stupid puppy kept following us, and the stupid owner of the puppy just let him harrass Emma some more - all the while still sitting on the bench. What the heck? See, this guy was pretty darn cute - with gorgeous blue eyes, and he kept trying to make conversation with me... but hello!!! If you can't even keep control of your dog, do you think I'm going to give you the time of day?

And poor Emma experienced the worst day ever.

kick in the pants

Here are a few thoughts from an article I read for my missions class - they are kicking me in the pants, and I sincerely hope the same effect happens to you.

"A young man in Bible school offered to help David Wilkerson years ago when he was ministering on the streets of New York City. Wilkerson asked him how much time he spent in prayer. The young student estimated about 20 minutes a day. Wilkerson told him, 'Go back, young man. Go back for a month and pray two hours a day, every day for 30 days. When you've done that, come back. Come back, and I might consider turning you loose on the streets where there is murder, rape, violence and danger... If I sent you out now on 20 minutes a day, I'd be sending a soldier into battle without any weapons, and you would get killed.'"

"Here's a challenge for you: Read everything Paul says about prayer, then ask yourself, 'Am I willing to pray like that?' Paul said that he prayed, 'night and day... with tears... without ceasing...with thankfulness... in the Spirit... constantly... boldly... for godly sorrow... against the evil one.'"

"There are too many over-fed, under-motivated Christians hiding behind the excuse that God has not spoken to them."

My heart is full

It's been four months since I first stepped foot in China. It is so hard to believe it has been that long. And it is amazing to me that my thoughts everyday are still so consumed with the beautiful kids we were able to meet and the wonderful team we had. Yesterday was especially hard. All day long I just felt this sadness in my heart. I wasn't sure what it was until I sat down to pray with Leslie and I picked up the big photo of all of our classes together in China. Then I realized that I had been feeling sadness for those kids - for each and every one of them who have no hope. They have so much pressure on them to succeed in life that they don't know how to handle and many of them end up depressed and suicidal. I was especially thinking of Morry and Asa. Their faces kept flashing in my mind as we were praying. My heart hurts to know they don't have the hope and joy that we have... and that there are very few in their lives to show them that hope - to help them see that they are worth far more than what they can accomplish in school or the marks they receive on a test. I so wish I could be there just to give them a hug. I was so sad for them - still am. Tears well up when I think of them.

So, that was all day yesterday. Then I got home and went to get the mail and found a package from two of my teammates - Becky & Katie. Inside were the videos that Becky had worked so hard at to edit and get out to us. I was so happy and excited - to actually see those students again - to see our team again! What a blessing that is! I won't make anyone watch the whole thing with me - as I know that it would be agony for anyone who didn't go on the trip with us, but I will show you a music video that gives you an awesome picture of these amazing kids and all we did with them. In fact, I'm putting that on my iPod so the next time you see me, make sure you take 5 minutes to watch it. If only to see what we did and to be able to see who you could be or have been praying for.

I'm in love...

I'm sitting here with Betsy doing what we do every night - watching an episode of Gilmore Girls. We're at the point where Lorelai and Luke are starting to date - finally! And I realize that I am sitting here and finding myself completely and utterly, head over heels, in love with Luke Danes. Not Luke himself (or Scott Patterson who plays Luke - though he is pretty good looking), but the idea of him - what he represents. He's a manly man. He's solid. He's mature. He has his head on straight. He pursues Lorelai when he finally wakes up and realizes he's over the moon for her. He's not afraid to take that risk. He's pretty freakin' awesome... too bad he's a fictional character.

But I will not give up hope because I have seen firsthand that there are men out there who are exactly like this. I know them. They are my friends... and my brother... and my dad (because my dad is pretty amazing). And I am blessed to have them in my life. I just would really like to live happily ever after with one.

complete consumer

I admit it. I am a technological junkie. To be more specific, I am an official iPod junkie. They are just way cool. Seriously. So, I have been thinking about getting a new iPod - since the cool new video ones came out, and I own a ton of music that won't fit onto my mini... yes yes I know - do you really need another one? No. I don't. But I would have liked to have it. So, it just so happens that my friend Sarah has been thinking about getting one. And it just so happens that I was willing to sell her mine for cheaper than what she would pay for a one new. And so, my investment into a new iPod is partially funded by this transaction. Pretty sweet. So, I have in my possession a new 30GB Video iPod. It is freakin' awesome! I haven't had much time to mess with it, but it not only holds tons of music, and plays videos that you can get off of iTunes, but I can also convert my personal videos - such as some of the videos that were taken in China, and put them on there. I can put pictures on it and show slideshows with music to it (which will help when presenting on missions when I connect it to a TV). I can also put some of my ebooks on it to read. Neato bandito. So, I am hopeless.... but I am a pleased hopeless. Does that make it okay?